Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Eight reasons why I had to break up with July...

Oh hello July. Nice to see you. Oh, you’re leaving already? Seems like you only just got here.

We need to talk. Yes, I'm afraid it's THAT kind of talk. You see, it turns out you’re my second most hated month. So I guess I won’t be too devastated when you run out the door.

(Oh don't look at me like that June. You KNOW you win the prize for being the suckingest suck arse month of all time. You excel in craptacular suckage, just so you know).

Hey July don’t forget to take your cold mornings and UV deprivation with you when you head off. Oh and make sure you tag August so he knows it’s his turn. It’d be confusing to go straight from July to September. Could that trigger the end of the world? Who knows. At best it’d make for some very awkward questions.

Although… I’m sure there are some school events I’d like to avoid in August…

Nope, don’t argue, I’ve made up my mind. You have to go.

Oh, don’t take it personally. You’re just a month, remember? Harden the fuck up.

We had a good run but now it’s over. What? You want to talk about the good times we had before you go? Well OK…

1.       Achey Breaky Ankles
Together, you and I found out I am the Gold Medal Record Holder for breaking things (mainly ankles).

2.       Prunella Gertrude Mabel Frog was born
We called out my inner Random Sarcastic Idiot (RSI). RSI is a dumb name. From here on, I decree that my RSI is called Prunella. Prunella Gertrude Mabel Frog. Prunella has had a busy month. She is a bitch.

3.       You can’t open a wormhole using an iPhone
We remembered that I had a DHD app on my phone. (no it’s not a hair straightener. Google it, if you’re not a Stargate fan already. And shame on you if that’s true!) I’d installed it and promptly forgotten. You can use it to dial your phone. I am in nerd heaven with this thing:

Getting my nerd on.
It even sounds like a DHD,
and has an animated wormhole splash.
Deep satisfied Geek Girl sigh.
It occurs to me that it’s just as well it doesn’t really open a wormhole in space because it would mean the end of the world make a big mess be really inconvenient to be phoning for a ham and pineapple pizza in a really important phone interview while fighting off invading aliens at the same time. Plus I reckon the effort of bending time and space would drain the shit out of my iPhone battery.*

4.       Spellingnazis rule
We discovered that – ermahgerd - Blogger doesn’t spell check the titles you give your blog posts. Big thanks to Debbish (@RockafellaSkank) for pointing it out and generously saying that she assumed the mistake was deliberate. Yes *cough* of course it was…

5.       Alltime Winningest at Mummyness Award hell
You were there when I was awarded the Alltime Winningest at Mummyness Award** because I made these. Child coloured them in.

Minecraft. Kill me now.
6.       Alltime Winningest at Attracting Weirdos Award

You looked on as I discovered I was winningest at attracting creepy older guys on planes. Here’s a tip fellas, it’s completely appropriate for you to strike up some harmless banter with the woman sitting next to you on the plane. However, when she’s offered a different seat that suits her broken ankle, don’t express disappointment that you’re now not going to be able to go the grope while she’s asleep. It’s disgusting creepy repulsive not funny. What the everloving hell were you thinking, dude? Let’s just take the line between funny and inappropriate and pull down your pants and shit on it jump right over it into the ewwwwwwwww zone.

7.       Cos that’s how this frog rolls
July: “What did you do today?”

Me: “ I raged about the stupidity and futility of humanity and got sad. Then I discussed how to milk a cat and felt better.”

8.       I had to work
We decided that if I had to work, this was how to do it:

Don't hate me.
And so, July, looking back, we’ve had some scary creepy bad weird painful ... times. All I can say is before you go, order me a spectacularly immense one of these please:***

Make mine a double.

Now, let’s have one last kiss, July, and walk away (no - don’t look back). We may not have each other, but we’ll always have our memories.****

*OK I lied, that last bit occurred to Prunella. Sarky moo.
**I lost some Alltime Winningest at Mummyness Award points by accidentally bending the sword. Yes, it’s a sword. The other one is a pickaxe. God don’t you know anything?
***If you own it, please let me know so I can attribute it pull it down say thank you.
****Now send in August, I have a bone or two to pick with him…

Monday, July 16, 2012

My inner voice is a random sarcastic idiot

So there I was at 2am today, lying in bed, iPhone in hand, making notes of what I should blog about. As you do. Instead of sleeping. Which is apparently something I don't do. As you do. Do do. Oh Dog I'm so tired.

OK actually they were sarcastic random sentences that I'll be sarcastically and randomly inserting as my blogger/Twitter bio and/or subject of my blog in coming weeks/months/eons.

One sentence in particular caught my eye.

My inner voice is a random sarcastic idiot.*

Interesting, isn't it, what crazy bullshit truisms slide out of the subconscious to slam you between the eyes gambol across your sleep-deprived brain in the wee small hours?

I should have risen from bed at that point and started writing this rambling drivel stimulating blog post but frankly, insomnia saps my ability to do much except make iPhone notes and needily Twitter-stalk British actors. Cos they're the only ones who are awake at that time, OK? (Sorry Ben Miller).

Where was I...

My inner arsehole random sarcastic idiot. Having one of these is a serious affliction. Don't believe me? Well here's an example. When limping pathetically with a broken ankle walking elegantly through Melbourne airport two weeks ago, I saw this sign: 

Yes OK I was too busy lurching and swearing to take a photo
so here's an artist's impression of the sign.
It's not the real sign. So pedantic, you people.
My random sarcastic idiot (let's call it my RSI from now on - I'm running on TWO HOURS SLEEP AND THE SAME NUMBER OF SCONES, PEOPLE! so tired) reflected that actually, it wasn't way out at all. It was quite conservative, as it happens.

Really? Thank you brain. My rational brain shook its head, tsk tsking sadly, much the same as you're doing now.

Fifteen years ago I witnessed a caption that could have adorned the publicity headshot of every Australian politician elected since then.

"Fresh Fillets of Fathead' was carefully, lovingly spelled out on a sign above fish fillets in the supermarket.

These days my RSI would be grabbing her iPhone and splashing that photo all over Twittsville and Blogwood. This alone is proof that there was once - unbelievably - a time when people didn't take a Bazillion GB camera with them to do the grocery shopping.

On the subject of supermarkets, in the spirit of feeding my RSI even in the most mundane of locations, here is a sign spotted at Woolworths on the weekend:

 No, I know it's not an artist's impression this time.
You people need to calm down.

Is the Canned Fish stationary? LET'S HOPE SO. Shudder.

That'd make stacking and sorting the shelves REALLY funny to watch dangerous.

Is the inability to lie still in a dark can with your fishy elbow up another fish's nostril be stationary one of the criteria for being rejected by John West?

What damage could a 250g can of dolphin free tuna in olive oil with chili and onion do, hurtling at 60 kilometres an hour towards your head?

Maybe this sign is an actually a Occupational Health and Safety warning. Do shelf stackers get danger money? Maybe they should.

So tonight I'm hoping my inner random sarcastic idiot will STFU so I can sleep. For the sake of the rest of my brain and the online safety of British actors everywhere.

Do you have an inner random sarcastic idiot? How has this affliction affected your life?

* Sometimes my outer voice is too. Not often.**
** Not often = all the time

Monday, July 9, 2012

A message to the Sheriff of Blogwood - get outa town

OK so it’s been over a week since Blogopolis 2012… a week full of ankle pain, school holiday angst and post-conference depression. I’ve already done my Blogopolis post, but I still have something to say. Eden Riley from Edenland said last weekend that your voice is a muscle; the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Eden also said that the Blogosphere is like the Wild West. There are no rules, man. Bring that shit on.

OK hombres, which one of you is the sheriff of Blogwood?

No? Nobody steppin' forward?

Coz week just gone, I was pretty sure I heard a few of you cowpokes tryin’ to tell this blogger what she could and couldn’t do.

Somethin’ about fights with pardners and vomitin' on the internets.

Now, I ain’t lookin' for a fight. No siree.

I just figure how this is the Wild West and all, if we’re all law-abidin' folk, doin’ what the sheriff tells us, soon it won’t be so wild no more.

What’s good for the goose ain’t always good for the gander. Some of us bloggers wanna talk about the latest bonnets outta Philly. Some of us wanna bring the latest news from the East coast. Some of us wanna be cowboys and outlaws.

Blogwood is big enough for all us citizens, right? If you gotta think twice ‘bout that post before hittin’ publish, hit publish and be damned. Everyone ain’t gonna like you. So what? There ain’t no rules; we’re putting down roots in a new frontier over here.

Who gave that sheriff a badge, anyhoo? Did they pin it on theirselves?

I s’pect so.

So this is a message for the sheriff of Blogwood.

Before you come saunterin' into the Blogwood saloon, clickin' those spurs and flashin' that shiny star round, tellin' us what we all should be doin', remember that there ain’t no rules in this town.

If you keep tryin' to make all us bloggers obey your rules, this town ain’t gonna be big enough for the both of us.

So drink up, sheriff, cos you’re on the first coach outa here in the mornin' and it’s a thirsty journey. Don’t let the saloon doors hit you on the dusty butt on the way out.
The Blogger With No Name

Monday, July 2, 2012

How we invented spoon porn and other adventures at Nuffnang Blogopolis 2012

There will be a bazillion wonderfully written blog posts about the session content that made up the tea-fuelled glory that was Nuffnang Blogopolis 2012. They will be written in superlative style, with skilled Instagrammed photos of towering high tea trays and perfectly coiffed fashion bloggers.

This is not one of those posts.

I learned a lot at Nuffnang Blogopolis 2012, and had a totally fantabulous, snazbig time. I’ll be making changes to my blog over the next few weeks to reflect what I’ve learned. I met so many wonderful people that I can’t list them all. I came away enriched and inspired.

Here are my highlights.

Highlight 1: Starting my day started at 3.35am. OK so that’s a lowlight, not a highlight but I needed to let everyone know HOW MUCH I SUFFER FOR MY ART.

Highlight 2: Finallysnogging body slamming kidnapping hugging my stunningly wonderful soul sister Redundantmother for the first time. Not only is she a great writer, she’s a mega hugger and a sexy thang a beautiful lady to boot.
That's my soul sister on the right. I heart her to the max.
Highlight 3: Receiving this gorgeous framed quote from my soul sister.

Excerpt from Desiderata there's something in my eye
Highlight 4: Meeting Mrs Woog! AHMAHGERD!

“It's Wooooooooooooog…”
Highlight 5: Sharing a table with two lovely ladies from Something Gorgeous –Toni and Giulia. I forgot to check my emails at 3.35am so missed the notice informing me that animal print was the uniform of the day.
Bloggers are ANIMALS

Highlight 6: Morning“high” tea, which was genteel and lovely and far too fancy for the likes of me. This isn’t a food blog and there are already loads of shots of it all over the internet so here’s a photo of a random meerkat instead.

Random Meerkat is random
Highlight 7: Meeting Eden Riley from Edenland. What a kind, generous, real woman. So touched that she was familiar with my froggy brand.

Highlight 8: Seeing Woogsy and Eden speak on separate panels. They speak EXACTLY how they write. Authentic much?

Highlight 9: Meeting the fabulous Kim from Allconsuming. Hilarious, warm, wonderful, talented.

Highlight 10: Spoongate.

We were set up!

What spoon?
Exhibit A for the Prosecution
Spoon porn. These are not my boobs.
My boobs totally do not look this good in a spoon.

Highlight 11: BREAKING THE INTERNET. Well, Instagram and Pinterest anyway. Oh and the hotel wireless…

Highlight 12: Meeting Jaclyn from Little Paper Trees at drinks. This lady is smart and radiant. Go follow her blog!

Highlight 13: Drinking wayyyyy too many sauv blancs, and waking up in the morning (thankfully in my hotel room) to find this photo on my phone:

Shoe porn for long-sighted foot fetishists
I was a bit worried that I’d drunkenly joined the out-of-focus shoe porn industry overnight. I didn’t remember taking that photo. I trawled back through my twitter feed and discovered that I was so overjoyed when I got my shoes off that I took a shot of one to celebrate. It’s also proof that I AM CRAZY PSYCHIC. More on that later.

Highlight 14: Stuffing my ankle. OK this is actually another lowlight but stop judging me, Judgey Judgersons, this is my post to do what I like with. AND THAT’S A SUBJECT FOR ANOTHER POST.

In the morning I showered, checked out, and went over on my hypermobile ankle three metres from the hotel

So I must have known that I was going to wreck my ankle so I could have a shoe porn BEFORE shot, to go with this AFTER shot:

Actually, I think Betadine is also psychic because in the totally generous and snazbig goody bags, was this…
Prescient goody bag contents

… which is perfect because I’ve woken up today with a sore throat.

I still have one good ankle, so who’s up for the Problogger event in Melbourne in October?!